This is a dilemma that has most likely existed since the dawn of time.
Adult children do not always pick their parents as a companion. In Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare immortalized it. The struggle of the original generation to accept the decisions of their adult children is a key theme in Broadway music, Fiddler on the Roof, and the current TV drama, Downton Abbey. I'm aware that a neanderthal woman and her father had a spat over her choice of Crowmon boy. ("Daddy, he's so tall and he's really smart!") Coming home, however, is unpleasant, despite the fact that it is a timeless and universal issue. Here are a few examples of questions we've received through our "Ask the Doctor" service:
"I've been caught between my mother and my wife," a 25-year-old man in Boston explains. –
"My Chinese mother expects my wife to obey her and, once she does, to wait for her mother-in-law. My wife works all day and cannot understand why my mother is unable to begin dinner preparations. Or, if he leaves, why isn't he able to assist him? My mother is continuously complaining, and my wife is crying; what should I do?
In Florida, a young man writes: "I am white and my wife is Latina. Whenever we travel, my father pushes the issue of illegal immigration even further. My mother is powerless to stop her. We fight when we get home because she thinks I should quit, but I don't know what I can say to convince her to change. "I need assistance!"
"My boyfriend and I want to marry, but we belong to different ethnic groups, and we know our parents will never agree." For the past four years, we have been covertly seeing each other." - A young Serbian man the woman's perspective
You, like the authors of these letters, are head over heels in love. You want your parents to love and adore the person you pick, just as they do. Instead, they are blinded by their own traditions, values, and preconceptions. They don't see your boyfriend or husband for the amazing guy he is. They're all wrong, and I mean that in a big way. You're caught in the middle. You respect and love your parents, but you also love and respect your partner.
It's critical to bring the two sides together. If you and the person you prefer are unsure about your commitment and agreement, as well as whether or not you are willing to be together, constant rejection, and whether or not the surface or seat beneath the surface can weaken your connection, is. The child of the disobedient parents is trapped in a dreadful dam. When one side listens and responds to the other, the other feels neglected or degraded. The individual at the focus of dislikes may feel compelled to show himself worthy on a constant basis. If you are unwelcomed, your efforts will quickly become irritated, and your wrath will permeate your relationships.
Fortunately, there is a less stringent approach than Romeo and Juliet's beautiful death scene. Some parents, like Robert in Fidler, Tevye, or Downton Abbey, gradually accept and even bless their adult children's choices. It does, however, necessitate effort and a strong desire. It can't be done with magic or reasoning.
Don't try to close the gap by responding to criticism with criticism. Your parents' values, customs, and feelings have shaped who you are now. They've most likely served as a guiding light for centuries, and they're the heart of your family's identity. It's neither honest nor useful to keep your family history hidden. Please be very considerate. The older generation holds on to its beliefs and ideas in order to feel secure in an ever-changing world. Their motives are most likely good. Find ways to show your ancestors that you appreciate and respect their history while also being a member of a global community that includes people from all walks of life.
Don't respond to your parents' rejection with arguments and logic. The word "protection" suggests that there is something that needs to be rescued. To argue means to have a disagreement with you. Respectfully and succinctly respond to their concerns. Accept the fact that a cross-cultural marriage is becoming increasingly challenging. Express your disappointment that they are feeling this way. Confirm your love for them and your respect for their opinions, but make it plain that you've made your decision. Peace is unquestionably more powerful than threatening remarks.
Keep your relationship a secret. Keeping it hidden implies that you are ashamed of your decision. Eventually, someone will find out, and everyone in the family will be outraged, including both of you. Make sure you're both on board with the decision to stay together. Make certain that you are certain. There's nothing wrong with dealing with your parents about something that hasn't happened yet.
Do not use your relationship to educate your partner, your parents, or to create a mate for yourself. It's not appropriate for someone who wants to use you as a pawn in a long-running feud with your parents over issues like religion, caste, or your current situation.
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